Plan D

 If someone had told me last year what the 2020-21 school year would look like, I just would not have believed it. Of course none of us would have believed any of what's happened the last several months, but this is reality.

I happened to go back and read my last blog post, and it occurred to me that at the end where I mention our very own "Plan D," I never elaborated on what that was. Now that we're about a month in, give or take, I'll do just that. 

So, June and July saw the two of us just hoping for the best, and not even entertaining the idea of the worst. I think that after the fiasco of virtual learning in spring was done, I just wanted to eject that experience from my brain and enjoy the summer. But then began the rumblings of the next school year, the school board polling parents to see how they wanted it to go, and then deciding regardless to go with Plan C, which was all virtual learning, for at least the first nine weeks; and then reevaluate after that. That was a huge disappointment, although truthfully, Plan B, which had also been on the table, wouldn't have been better. That would have had the girls in school one day a week, and Timmy in school two days, with so many stipulations it sounded like a logistical nightmare. With the girls, I could make anything work. But Timmy, whether he knew it or not, desperately needed the structure of the traditional classroom experience, with a teacher to motivate him in person, and other kids his age to be around. He's a bright boy and a good student, but for him, the wheels fell off the virtual learning pretty quickly. It was a draining and disheartening experience. The following text exchange between his teacher and me was fairly typical for the those last couple months of third grade. It makes me sad to look back and remember how such a great school year turned into a complete goat rope. Ms. G loved those kids and worked so hard.  

We called up our Catholic school, St. Paul, and learned that they had room for another fourth grader. We took him to the tour, got him signed up and his uniforms ordered, so grateful to be able to get the boy out of our house and learning again. This happened with maybe a week to spare before the first day of school in mid-August.

As for the girls, at first I thought they would just continue with virtual learning at the middle school. They are organized, dependable, studious, as well as a little more mature than Timmy; and I knew that it wouldn't be a problem for them. I still felt sad for them that their one overlapping year of middle school was to be spent at home. Then I got to thinking about how inadequate remote school had been for Delaney. The teachers kind of gave up because parents and students complained about the workload. Delaney said that as a result they had hardly anything to do. Annie is the only one who had a satisfactory remote learning experience, in my opinion. Her 5th grade teacher was a stickler, and Annie is a perfectionist, so they got on wonderfully. But now Annie would be at middle school, and she and her sister both be spending a gazillion hours online, and neither of them would be challenged enough. First I thought I'd try to supplement their learning with whatever I could come up with. That thought led me to another thought, and I cautiously solicited the girls' opinions one morning at breakfast, about this harebrained scheme I had brewing. If they had been completely negative about it, I would have said "OK," and turned my mental energies to something else. But to my pleasant surprise they were both open to the idea of having our own homeschool experience this year. They both expressed relief at not having to be in and out of Zoom meetings all day.

We did school pictures one day on the porch. Annie curled Delaney's hair, and for whatever reason, she put on a cowboy hat and bandanna for the occasion!

After discussing with Tim, I plunged into the world of homeschooling and curriculum shopping. I asked my sister Anna as well as a couple friends what they were using. Amazingly, they all told me the same thing. Well, for Anna it was what she had used last year, and it wasn't quite going to work for her this year, but to me it still sounded great. It's called The Good and the Beautiful. They have an open-and-go language arts curriculum that is several subjects in one: grammar, reading, writing, geography, and art/art appreciation. All from a Christian worldview. I also chose their history curriculum and a couple of their science units as well. Currently, we're learning about ancient Egypt in history, and mammals in science. I read aloud to them every day at lunch for fifteen to twenty minutes, and we are spending time together and having conversations that most likely wouldn't be happening if they were on their own schedules all day. They're using my mom's old homeschool standby, Saxon, for math, which is also what Anna and my two friends recommended.

Annie's turned out well too! 

I was so nervous at the start of this. I disenrolled them from school, submitted the homeschool paperwork to the State of North Carolina, and then lay in bed that night thinking, What have I done? It would be one thing if they were little kids -- how hard could it honestly be to homeschool two little girls in the younger grades? But these are big girls, middle schoolers, one almost in high school, and I felt barely qualified to teach them. In fact to be honest, I am not qualified to teach them math; I don't remember much of any concepts I learned beyond maybe 5th or 6th grade. Enough to get me by and that's all. But these girls are strong math students, and as I had hoped, they open the book every day, read the lesson and do it, with little or no intervention needed from me. No issues with coming from Common Core math. And I figure there are plenty of online resources out there if I need them. They are handling their language arts courses (which I've been told are advanced) well, which tells me the public schools and DoD schools have been doing a pretty good job with their core subjects thus far. There is a heavier emphasis on spelling and grammar than they've been used to.

The middle school band teacher is graciously including all the homeschool students in her program this year, so there are Zoom meetings for the girls after all, sometimes two a day for each of them. (Two Zooms a day apiece, all four at different times, just for one subject. If I'd kept them at the middle school for everything else, it is highly doubtful there'd be time in the day for me to supplement their learning in any way.) But now there won't be any gap in their skills. Annie is playing clarinet too. Reaching out to the band instructor in the beginning was awkward for me too; I was worried the answer would be a big fat no, not from the band instructor, but from the school -- like you don't get to go rogue and have band class for your kids. But that is not the case at all, and Delaney and Annie aren't the only kids in that boat.

Celebratory ice cream out after Timmy's first day of school

We're also doing a class with the whole family once a week at dinner, called Principles of a Free Market. When one of the kids asked me one day why the government doesn't just print more money and give it to the people who need it (a fair question!), I thought maybe it was time for something like this. I feel like we're being so much more intentional this year with what and how the kids are learning, and it's more effort on our part, but I know it's been a blessing to have the events of COVID shake me out of my complacency. I'm hoping that no matter what the plan is next year, we keep seizing opportunities to shape our kids and impart our values to them.

Back to Timmy for a minute -- I'm so pleased with Catholic school, which we had heretofore not been convinced was worth the expense. He wasn't happy to have to get up early and put on a uniform -- to the point where I didn't bother trying to pose him for a first day of school picture. I just wasn't picking that battle. Mornings are still rough, but we get through it. He leaves the house every day wearing a collared shirt tucked into pants with a belt. There are standards, so it's not just me trying to convince him not to wear holey sweatpants. On Wednesdays they go to Mass, and on that day he wears a button-down shirt and on his feet for once in his life are shiny leather oxfords. He looks so handsome. I attend the school Mass myself, and I see a more energetic side of our pastor as he talks to the kids, and the music teacher plays beautiful music. After Mass we say the Pledge, and the students recite the school mission statement. When he gets in the car every afternoon, he tells me about the football games at recess, quizzes me on things he's learning, and in general seems much happier than he is on the morning drive. Sometimes later on I'll be reading aloud or talking and he'll interrupt to say, "That's one of my vocabulary words!" and then tell me what it means. His teacher reads to them every day, too, in addition to having them read on their own, and I'm so glad. Sometimes kids aren't motivated to read classics on their own, the language looks too quaint to them, and they need to just be able to relax and listen. The current read-aloud is The Trumpet of the Swan by E.B. White, I believe. 

To have some outside reinforcement in raising a child with the Catholic faith is pretty great, too.

I considered sending to Joey to pre-k at St. Paul's too, but I am so sentimentally attached to his preschool, which is the same one the girls went to. He even has the same teacher they did for pre-k, Mrs. Ann. He goes MWF 9-12, so it's a lot of driving to and from for me on those days, between him and his brother. I also volunteer a couple Tuesday mornings a month at Timmy's school library, and there's a lot of catching up to do once I get home. It's worth it, though, to have found a solution for each of them in these crazy times.

I am extra busy this year, and it's about to get busier with soccer starting. I have no problems falling asleep at night. This school year is an adventure, one that I definitely did not want, but we are going to make sure it's worth our while.

An Open Letter of Apology to My Children

Dear Delaney, Annie, Timmy, and (to a lesser extent) Joey,

I owe the four of you an apology -- one that I could probably get away with never saying, but I'll say it nonetheless. 

Several weeks ago, while I was in Cincinnati staying at your grandparents' house, I happened to be chatting next to the pool with your aunts Anna and Grace. Grace was talking about how hard it is to get things done around the house with little kids around (you remember hers are five and two). Anna said to her, "When they get older they'll help you out more." I said, "Mine are older and they're not much help." 

I think you'd all beg to differ, but don't worry, I'll be setting the record straight. I think that if you were ever not much help to me, the fault was never yours. I simply wasn't requiring enough of you, and the blame for that rests squarely on my shoulders. I thought I was doing my job but I was actually neglecting a huge part of it.

You see, I am the proud keeper of a housework schedule, which allows me (as long as I stay on top of it) to keep a 3000-square-foot house reasonably neat and clean at all times. As a stay-at-home mom, making this house a livable home is my responsibility, and it's important for my sanity that there is cleanliness and order. Not only that, I enjoy the laundry and the cleaning, and the feeling of accomplishment that I have when it's done. I really didn't think anyone could scrub a toilet the way I could. I didn't think anyone could push a mop the way I could. But then I would get frustrated at the four of you for messing it up. Worse yet, when the pandemic grounded us all, I resented that you never went anywhere so I could get this house in order! It shames me to admit that. 

I stayed stubbornly set in my ways for weeks, while waiting with bated breath for things to return to "normal." Anytime now, anytime now, I'd say to myself through gritted teeth as my face turned blue. It has since become clear that whatever normal is, we are still a long way away from it. After receiving the news that the public schools have decided to go remote for at least the first nine weeks of the year (but we know it will end up being longer), your daddy and I experienced a few days of turmoil. We had blithely ignored this possibility all summer long, but now here it was, reality knocking at our door. In the end we pivoted to a new course of action: Timmy is attending Catholic school, and the girls will be homeschooled by me for the year. Only Joey will be doing what was originally planned for him -- Pre-K at his same school, three mornings a week. Some of us will be spending even more time at home together. In light of the changes I've implemented this summer, I can look at this prospect with a newfound feeling of gratitude. There were things about my approach to parenting and homemaking that needed addressing, but that might never have happened as long as you stayed in full-time school. 

While you had been doing some chores for years, and have always been responsible for your own rooms, your father said it wasn't enough, and he urged me to get you all doing more. I don't know why I hesitated -- a misplaced feeling of guilt? A lack of faith in you guys' ability? Fear of push-back? The mistaken notion that it's easier just to do it all myself? Maybe all of those things. Whatever the case, I finally came around and started assigning you more work. It turns out he's right about yet another thing.😜 I am finding that not only am I feeling less burdened now that I am divvying up the work among those of you big enough to do it, I am appreciating having you around a lot more. Not only that, since you now have a hand in the vacuuming, mopping, dusting, etc., this makes you stakeholders in our home, as you should have been all along. This is your home too, and I want each of you to take pride in it. Your help with the yard has also been much appreciated by Daddy. And even though Joey can't do much yet, he's learning a lot from your example.

It's far from perfect here; there are days that you've vacuumed, dusted and Bona mopped the living room, but have forgotten to make your own beds. One or two of you may have completed your chores one day, but failed to brush your teeth -- you know who you are. There have been squabbles over who gets to do what, even with it being a list of items to pick and initial, first-come-first-serve. There are still times that decide it's easier to do something myself, knowing full well I ought to delegate it to one of you. We all struggle with the inertia of not having many places to go for many months, and our attitudes have suffered. We're working on it. We'll get there.

With school starting up again under our our very own "Plan D," I'm going to continue to depend on your help around here. It may look a little different than it does in the summertime, but I don't ever want to go back to seeing you all as little house-wreckers. That was very unfair to you. We will all be a little busier as we get into the school year, but I hope we all remember that it doesn't take long to accomplish a lot when we're focused, and that many hands make light work.

Love always,

Mama

Change of Command and Retirement

It was a little low key, circumstances being what they are, but it was a momentous day for us nonetheless. Thanks again to Megan at A Beautiful Moment Photography for capturing this event.

"They" say you want to have the band at the beginning of your command, and at the end. Tim got both; it was a successful command tour. Did anyone doubt it would be? Apparently Tim did. When I asked him a while back why he had no photos or mementos on his desk or anywhere else in his office at the battalion, he told me he didn't want to have to pack a box if he got fired.🙄

Masks and six feet? Not at this ceremony. "Sweet Caroline" could have been the theme song for this event.🤣

I almost didn't include this picture. Too sappy of me. But I remember how, as he was summing up his feelings about his career and all the people who'd made a difference to him, I thought how how the Marines were what brought us together. And it's been a roller coaster, but it's been a good life all in all, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Is this coffee table in our office yet in its appointed spot? No it is not, and for some reason that bothers me a lot more than it does him.

After such a fitting conclusion to 26 years in the Marine Corps, the plan was to enjoy a well deserved summer off, but of course he couldn't just do that. "I still need to find a job!" he'd remind me at least once a day. I'd be like, "Ohmygosh, can you just relax? You're still active duty through September!" A friend drew his attention to a position that would suit him perfectly -- director of the Navy Marine Corps Relief Society on Cherry Point. The start date would be in 30 days, which would allow him to actually enjoy 30 days of summer, so he applied. He was offered the job, which he accepted happily, and then they said, "Yeah, we need you to start next week." So much for summer. Tim heads out the door at the usual time every morning, his gym duffel containing business casual instead of cammies. He never did relax because he spent the couple of weeks between Topsail and his new job working feverishly to complete projects in the house and yard. In case you were wondering how he was liking retirement...😜 

But I am happy for him because now he gets to help Marines and sailors with budgeting and finance, something that he has a real passion for. He wasn't hankering after the government civilian jobs that most retirees around here get. He also wasn't looking to have to commute to a bigger city for the higher paying jobs that some of his peers were pursuing. This job is exactly what he needs: he gets to keep the same daily routine, work out in the same gym, and while the job doesn't pay a huge amount, it is adequate for us. Things could have hardly worked out any better.

Just for fun, here are a few pics from his early days in the Corps. These by no means comprise all the highlights of his career, but they were the best I could come up with, digging through our archives.

Boot camp, Parris Island, 1994

Commissioning in 2000

Promoting his best friend Derek to sergeant, 2001. Tim once told me that the man you can see standing behind Tim gave him a talking to once the promotion was over. Tim had used the heel of his fist to playfully "pound" the new insignia into Derek's collar, which the senior enlisted Marine disapproved of, no matter that he hadn't come anywhere close to drawing blood. 

Iraq, 2003

Pinning on my 1stLt bars in Iraq, along with our friend Andrea, 2005. Yep, he did the same thing to my insignia as Derek's. I'm pretty sure he only did that to his favorites.😉

Our wedding in Grafton, Massachusetts, 2007

Our pictures in the homecoming exhibit at the National Museum of the Marine Corps, Quantico, Virginia. These photos were taken in 2012 when Tim got back from the MEU and met six-month-old Timmy for the first time.

Topsail, the 2020 version

Back when this Covid thing started brewing, and one thing after another got canceled or closed down, I couldn't help but think to myself that if we managed to get to Topsail in June, I wouldn't care what kind of weather it was, I would be so grateful. Just to see all these faces again, it wouldn't matter if it rained all week. If it had been possible I might have bargained with somebody to make that deal, because it just felt like the world was ending.

But the thing is, human nature being what it is, when it's cold and gray and windy and rainy at the beach, and that happens day after day...it still sucks. Nobody comes to the beach to shiver in their sweats. We kept saying, "Dang 2020." I tried to maintain perspective, I really did, but I told Tim on Tuesday, "I'm struggling. I'm just craving the sun so much." It would come out of the clouds sometimes just long enough to make you thirsty for more.

I think the above picture was taken Saturday night, and that was the last time we saw blue sky until Wednesday. I think. Or maybe Tuesday night. Grace painted our nails (she always brings her collection of nail polish); the kids went to Shark Attack a few times times thanks to the adults willing to take them; a couple carloads of us took a field trip to New Bern to see our new digs; and we drank and joked and reminisced our way through the evenings.

The first time I could put on a bathing suit I flew down that wooden walkway so fast I risked a sprained ankle. It was partial sun, but I was like "I'll take it!"

I can't seem to stop myself from sharing a gazillion pictures; when I see them on the bigger screen instead of on my phone, I notice details I couldn't see before, and more to love about them. I think my eyes are starting to go. I turn 41 in a few days!

As much as I don't want to see angry clouds, they make for some good photos!

Nighttime was great for crab-hunting. The kids were all so excited to go. One night Scotty and his kids, along with Timmy, got to see a loggerhead sea turtle on her way back into the ocean after laying eggs under somebody's house. That's not something you see every day. It had a corn snake following it, which they couldn't resist catching and handling (yuck!). Scotty told us Timmy was not afraid of it whatsoever. They think the corn snake wanted an easy meal of turtle eggs, but it's like the scent of the turtle fooled him into following her away from all the eggs.

One morning the kids pulled out clumps of seaweed containing colonies of the tiniest hermit crabs we'd ever laid eyes on. They were so stinking cute! 

Mom and Dad and Grace and her family shared the unit right behind the blue umbrella; Tim and I were in the same duplex on the other side.

It's Grace's 30th birthday today. Happy birthday, Grace!

Joey was my little beach buddy. We had so much fun together.

We took our pictures on Thursday night instead of Friday, which is the last night. That was a good call. I think it's a lot easier to smile when you know you have one more day. For most of us, anyway.😜

Delaney's only three inches shorter than me now. Think she'll be as tall as me next year?

In case I get rusty and forget one day, I'll caption this with names and kids' ages left to right: Annie (11), Tim, Timmy (8), me, Delaney (12), Joe (4), Jaden (12), Scotty III (10), Faith, Scotty Jr, Roman (14), Aspen (14), Grace, Elise (4), Joey, Taj (2), Lotus (12), Mom, Damien (7), and Dad. We were missing Anna and Sophie and their families.

1000 sparklers in 5 minutes, to celebrate Roman and Little Scotty's birthdays

When we saw this on Friday afternoon, we figured our sun was done, but after some wind and a few sprinkles, it moved on. Phew.

My mom commented at one point during the week that kids might forget what they got for birthday or Christmas, but they never forget their family vacations. I know that's been true in my own life, and I think that it's true when it comes to experiences, period. That's where you get lasting memories. It's easier to foster these experiences when everybody clears their calendar and gathers in one place, and that's what makes them so memorable. But experiences can also just be the small things you barely notice at the time they're happening. Tim took a lot of trips with his family growing up, but he still talks about the time he and his dad drove all over to look at and test-drive used Mustangs. To be given the gift of someone's time, to know that just being with you is good enough for them -- that's what gives us our sense of self-worth and builds us up strong and sturdy so that some day we can turn to the task of building up another person. I heard the song "Simple Man" by Lynyrd Skynyrd while sitting on the sand one day, and the lyrics encapsulate so much of what I want for my kids.

Oh take your time/ don't live too fast/ troubles will come and they will pass/ You'll find a woman and you'll find love / and don't forget, son, there is someone up above

And be a simple kind of man / Oh, be something you love and understand/ Baby be a simple kind of man/ Oh, won't you do this for me, son, if you can

On that note I want to wish a happy Father's Day to my wonderful husband, father, father-in-law, brother, brothers-in-law, all dads, and all good men serving in a fatherly role. Your hard work, love, and example are all so needed and appreciated, today and every day.