Monday, December 28, 2015

Joey's Birth Story

Warning: Lots of TMI in this Post!

On Sunday, December 13 I spent the entire day feeling sorry for myself. Actually, I had spent the past 12 days feeling sorry for myself. I loved every minute of this pregnancy up until 39 weeks, but from that point on I felt like I was waiting for Joey to be born at any time. Then when the 40 week mark came and went, I started to avoid coming out of the house, not wanting to have any conversations with neighbors about how I was still pregnant. I did not like being asked when my midwife would induce me (she would not), what's the latest I can still be pregnant and still have a homebirth (so discouraging! And it's 42 weeks.), if the midwife had swept my membranes (no, she doesn't do that and I don't believe in it either). I knew that they all meant well and were just curious, but those kind of conversations were not helping me. Physically I was so exhausted. Everything I did took maximum effort. I did a lot of cleaning around the house, but I felt so wiped out afterward. It wasn't a happy nesting, more like angry, impatient nesting.

So on that day I woke up, as I had so many mornings before, in disbelief. I was still pregnant and not feeling a twinge. In fact I felt rested with nary an ache anywhere in my body. My mother-in-law Carolyn would be leaving the next day at noon. I would be going to church again still pregnant. I was 40 weeks and 4 days with no end in sight.

That night at around 8 I got a text from my friend Kim down the street. "Mind if I stop over for a bit?" It was just Carolyn and I in the living room at that point. Tim had gone back to our room to wind down with the iPad, and the kids were in bed. I said, "Sure." A few minutes later she came to the door accompanied by our other friend Jesse. To my complete surprise, Kim told me she wanted to pray over me, and had been meaning to since the day of my shower. She told me she wanted to pray for this baby to come soon, in fact to get here tomorrow before Carolyn left. She had been staying with us since the Tuesday before Thanksgiving, and we'd all expected Joey to arrive long before now. She could not stay here any longer this close to Christmas. Kim said, "Let's go big (with our prayers)! God is big, right?" I had to agree. I sat down in the recliner, and Kim and Jesse perched on either side of me and each placed a hand on my belly. 

Kim began to pray. Carolyn, nonplussed I'm sure, turned down the TV. Kim started with "Dear Heavenly Father," and then I don't even remember the words. I just remember her voice and their hands, and feeling loved. 

By the time they left I felt comforted but I didn't have any expectation of having the baby in the next 16 hours. It's not that I lacked faith. It's just I knew that whatever was God's will was what was going to happen. He had to come out eventually. I felt more at peace about it than I had in a long time.

Buut.. just in case it would work, and as I had been doing for weeks, I/we had tried just about every natural labor-inducing technique we had at our disposal. I had walked that day, sat on the exercise ball, practiced yoga, taken my evening primrose oil a few times, drunk my red raspberry leaf tea, and done the thing that had gotten me in this trouble in the first place. As a last resort I had decided to try castor oil first thing in the morning, and that little bottle was waiting for me on the kitchen counter. I did not want to have another prenatal appointment with my far-away midwife. I wanted to have a baby.

I headed back to bed soon after, and Tim and I watched an episode of Breaking Bad before going to sleep. I drifted off easily enough, but I found myself waking up suddenly at times, not knowing what had caused me to. A strange feeling? A dream? I remember the wind blowing through our open window and one of the annoyingly bright spotlights on the little access road behind our house winking at me through the swaying tree branches.

2:00 a.m. or thereabouts
I became aware that I was having contractions, and that I could no longer sleep. They were not painful, just a little achey. They made me feel excited and hopeful. I wanted to get out of bed, but I had read that when a woman wakes up in early labor in the middle of the night, she needs to keep resting instead of jumping out of bed. Otherwise, she can interrupt her body's labor process. The dark quiet hours of early labor are important. Or something like that. But I started timing the contractions anyway, and they were consistently five to seven minutes apart.

I was wide awake, my mind racing. What to do? When to call Joanne? When to wake up Tim? Joanne had an hour-and-forty-minute drive and I wanted Tim to sleep, especially since I could end up being in labor all day. But at the same time I was worried about being late to notify Joanne, with my history of quick labors. Or slow labors that suddenly pick up. When Tim got up to use the bathroom I couldn't help but tell him. He said, "Are you serious?" No, I joke about these things all the time! He asked me what he should do and I told him that we should try to go back to sleep. But neither of us could because I was becoming increasingly restless and the contractions were now about four minutes apart.

2:40 a.m.
I needed to use the bathroom at that point and it turned out I wasn't going to need castor oil that day. (Don't say I didn't warn you about TMI.) When I saw bloody show on the toilet paper, I knew it was time to at least give Joanne a heads-up. I was hesitant and apologetic when she answered on about the fifth ring. She didn't sound sleepy, though. It must be a gift that doctors and midwives have, not sounding sleepy in the middle of the night. "I don't really know if it's time to call you, but.." I told her what had been going on. Then I told her I didn't know if she ought to come yet. I was handling the contractions so easily even though they were keeping me awake. I said that maybe I really ought to try just going back to sleep. She said to just call her when I needed her.

The contractions continued to be about four minutes apart, and I needed the bathroom two more times in the next hour. More bloody show.

3:18 a.m. 
I called Joanne again and told her that I'd had no luck getting back to sleep and I thought she should start heading here. She could always find something else to do around here or take a nap if labor slowed down. I really hoped that would not happen. I did not want to be wasting her time and making her do the long drive in the wee hours, but I knew that if I waited longer I risked her not making it in time. I had known all along this would be a tricky call to make with her being so far away! But now I'd made the call and she and her apprentice Stephanie were on the way.

I don't remember why I went to the kitchen then -- maybe to get water? -- but I suddenly felt so cold while I was walking to the kitchen and back. I shivered and my teeth chattered. That had happened when I had woken up in labor with Annie too, and I had been fully dilated when I got to the hospital a little while later. I thought it was a good thing Joanne was on the way. I have no idea what I spent the next several minutes doing, just probably flitting around our room, going to the bathroom now and then, and talking with Tim.

3:50 a.m.
I sat in the glider rocker and prayed a rosary as I rocked back and forth. The Joyful Mysteries, how perfect. Tim began setting up the birth pool. The noise must have woken Carolyn up, as the guest room is right next to ours. I heard Tim's quiet murmurs in the hallway as he must have been updating her. I sat there for a long time after I was done with the rosary, and just closed my eyes and kept rocking. Tim started to fill the pool once he was done setting it up because the instructions said it could take three hours to fill. He had some trouble with the attachment to the faucet, and I remember him saying it was leaking under the sink. 
5-something a.m.
I decided to try again to rest on the bed. This could be a really long day with me up since 2. Tim joined me once he was done filling the pool. It was only partly filled because all the hot water was gone. I didn't need it yet anyway. I remember hearing my 5:30 alarm go off while I lay there. Soon it would be time to get the kids up for school, and the midwives would be getting here any minute. I figured it was taking an extra-long time because Joanne had known there had been no need to rush based on the way I sounded on the phone. Tim called the gate at some point to notify them that we would be having visitors.

5:45 a.m. 
Joanne and Stephanie arrived and I was so embarrassed to be answering the door myself, realizing that I was walking and talking like a person NOT in active labor. I told them I thought maybe things had slowed down. I no longer felt shivery and the contractions seemed to be spacing out too. I worried that I was wasting their time, but they did not seem concerned. They just brought their stuff in and sat down at the kitchen table. I felt ridiculous as I cooked my breakfast of three eggs-over-medium. I guessed I'd better eat. I was apologetic and they were like, "Don't worry about it." 

Meanwhile, Tim and Carolyn oversaw the kids getting ready for school. When they all came out for breakfast Joanne and Stephanie moved to the living room so as not to be in the way. I felt like a bad hostess. When I was done eating I went to the living room and told them I'd like them to check me, and then if they wanted to go somewhere else or take a nap they could do that. We had talked about this scenario many times during prenatal visits since it was a big concern of mine. I felt bad that, despite my best efforts, I had gotten them all the way over here for nothing.

6:30 a.m. 
Joanne and Stephanie followed me back to the bedroom for the requested cervical check. Stephanie did it. She felt around with a very thoughtful look on her face and it was a long time before she said anything. Please say something, I thought. "Well, you're 80% effaced, and ...." What? The longest time went by before she said anything else. "You're not going to believe this, Rachael, but.." Ohmygosh, spit it out, lady! "..You're 8 cm and very stretchy." She looked up at Joanne and said, "I could easily stretch her to 9." Looking at me again, she said, "Once this baby decides to come, it's probably going to be very quick." Joanne asked her what station she thought the baby's head was at. She thought and said, "I could feel the ischial spines, so I guess +1?" They decided not to go anywhere.

I went out to the kitchen and announced to Tim who was talking with his mom at the table, "8 cm." He asked what that means. "Two to go!" I felt so much better, not like I was wasting everybody's time after all. There would be a baby soon!

6:55 a.m. 
Tim and Carolyn and the kids left for the bus stop. I hugged each of the kids on their way out. It seemed like a big deal, sending them to school for the last time before their baby brother was born. Besides being a little more wound up and rambunctious than usual, they did not seem affected.

I received a text from Kim a few minutes later, once all the kids had left. She asked me if I'd like her to come over and take pictures of the birth, or if I'd rather just have her take newborn pictures. I replied that she could come now and hang out, but nothing much was happening yet. I would want her there when things did start to happen, right?

7:10 a.m.
Kim arrived and remarked that she did not expect to see me looking so normal, as she'd been updated at the bus stop that her prayers last night had been answered. But here I sat at the table with a cup of coffee. Joanne joked, "OK, the whole team is in place. You can have a baby now!" I laughed but inwardly I felt like a watched pot. No one but me could even tell I was having contractions. I texted my mom an update: "In labor. 8 cm but contractions are still mild. Strangest labor ever. Midwives are just hanging around and I've been drinking coffee." The photo below, along with all the black-and-white ones, were taken by Kim.
Everyone sat around the table talking about this and that, and it was very pleasant, but it felt like I was entertaining. Only there was a twist -- everyone was waiting on me to have a baby. Joanne threw out the suggestion at some point that I might want to take a walk. A little while later I thought to myself that that was a great idea.

7:40 a.m. 
Tim and I stepped outside and into the fresh morning air and I immediately felt better. The best part of that walk was that the two of us were alone again, and I no longer felt self-conscious. Joanne would later mark in her notes the start of active labor being when we came in the door after the walk. Tim told me he thinks that active labor started as soon as we walked out of the house. Right away, he said I started to breathe loudly during contractions. I remember him asking me how far apart my contractions had been, and me telling him, "Four minutes." He said, "That was two minutes. Math is not your strong suit." We walked up to the corner, turned and walked two streets over, and then I said, "I'm going to have to cut this walk short." He said, "I'm surprised we've gone this far." We turned and started working our way back, talking and laughing and me mouth-breathing through contractions as we went. I remember saying after some of them, "That was a good one." This walk was just what I needed.
As we headed back toward home, I said, "If I want to have this baby anytime soon, I'd better have some alone time when I get home. As soon as I sit back down at that table, this comes to a grinding halt." He said something like, "I'll need some alone time too. This is my day. It's all about me." It was so nice to relax and laugh. I don't even think Tim ate much of anything for breakfast because he had felt so awkward. When we were in sight of our house, I had a couple contractions that I could feel radiating into my thighs. I remembered from the other times that when I start feeling it in my thighs, I'm getting close.

8:00 a.m. or thereabouts 
Back at home we updated Joanne and she noted the start of active labor. I got a laborade popsicle out of the freezer and headed back to our room, telling everyone I needed quiet time. I bounced and rolled on the ball and ate the popsicle, which dripped on me. I looked up and noticed Kim lurking in the doorway with the camera. She started to back away but then I talked to her and she talked to me. We chatted for a little bit and I enjoyed her company. I felt a little bit less like I was in labor. Then she said she'd leave me alone now. She hadn't meant to bother me in the first place. 

Very soon after she left the room -- within minutes -- my lighthearted mood changed. I cried for a little while. The contractions began to hurt. The tears and the intensifying contractions let me know I was in transition. Joanne and Stephanie must have come back because there's a record of the baby's heartrate at around 8:15. That would also be the reason my top was pushed up too. And Kim must have come back because there's a picture.
Everyone left the room again (I think because I'm pretty sure I was alone again for a little while), but they all came in a short time later when I said I was ready for the pool. They would need to drain out cold water and add buckets of hot. I didn't care what they were doing. I had turned a corner and was now deep in Laborland. I no longer wanted to be alone. I needed support and encouragement. I felt overwhelmed and I told Tim, "I don't know if I can do this." (Those words sound familiar. I think I use the same script every time I'm going through the hardest part of labor.) The task ahead of me just felt impossible.
8:45 a.m.
I changed into my bathing suit top and skirt and got into the pool. The water felt so good. I knelt and hung onto the side.
The contractions got harder. I started to make "sad sounds, loud sounds," like in the book . Tim rubbed my neck and told me I was doing awesome. I looked at him and said, "It really hurts!" Stephanie was close by, reminding me sometimes after a contraction, "Let that one go. That one's over." There must have been panic in my face after them, because as soon as one was over, I'd wonder how I could possibly handle another. Joanne watched from the glider rocker, taking notes and sometimes reminding me to keep my face loose or giving me some other encouragement.
I tried moving around and changing positions. I remember trying a contraction while floating on my back. I didn't like it. I moved around a bit and said, "I don't know what to do with myself in here." I was told to just do whatever felt best. I ended up on my knees hanging onto the side. I rocked back and forth and swayed from side to side. I also decided to take off the skirt at some point, saying I didn't think it was serving any purpose. Joanne readily agreed and added that the umbilical cord would get tangled in it anyway.

9:10 a.m. 
I had a couple(?) of rock-my-world contractions -- the kind that peak more than once. I distinctly felt his head descending in my pelvis. I remember crying out, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph, help me!" Then as the contraction wound down I half-sighed, half-moaned, "I can't do this alone." "You're not," Tim said. 

I also said things between contractions like, "I'm crazy. I can't handle pain," and "I don't like pushing." Joanne chuckled and said, "I like pushing." I think by then I was just bearing down, not really pushing. I really do hate pushing. I probably could have had this baby out by now if I didn't hate pushing so much. Words don't describe the agony that is pushing. To push means to feel the pain, and then to push right into the pain and make it worse. But to push also means to have a baby born sometime today.. 
This bottom picture is one of my favorites. People want to know why I'd do something as crazy as having a baby at home with no drugs. THIS is why. Here I am surrounded only by the husband I love, the two attendants who are familiar to me and confident in the birth process, in an atmosphere of peace and tranquility. There is no pressure, no bright lights, no people in scrubs, no beeping monitors, nobody "checking my progress." Just love. 
9:28 a.m. 
I began to push in earnest. There was no getting around this. Every push felt like eternity. It was shocking to look at Joanne's notes and see that what happened next took place only in a matter of minutes. It felt like hours.

9:32 a.m. 
I complained that I wished my water would break (again, same script!). Joanne told me that if I wanted to I could reach in and feel it and break it on my own if I wanted. What? She urged me to at least try to feel it during a contraction. I did, and felt the bulging bag of waters right there, not even a knuckle deep. How did she know that it would be right there? I later wondered. She couldn't see it. I halfheartedly poked at it but nothing happened. "I can't break it," I said. Stephanie explained that the amniotic sac is like a cushion for my pelvis, which was a good thing. They both assured me that this baby would be coming out soon no matter what.
9:36 a.m. 
My water broke and I told them although they probably already knew. Everybody cheered and Joanne said, "The water's clear."

I kept my hand there to feel what was happening because I knew he'd be coming soon. It helped me stay focused. But again, it felt like an eternity of pushing. If I didn't have Joanne's notes, this story would just read, "This happened for FOREVER, and then this other thing happened FOREVER." I held onto Tim's hand for those last pushes, pulling on it as if he were helping me out of the pool. I felt Joey's head crowning, and it burned. Then his head came out and just stuck out of me. I felt relief at first, and I touched his face and ears. Then I freaked out. It seems that I forgot in that moment that it's normal for a baby's head to come out first, and then for there to be a pause before the next contraction comes and the rest of the baby comes out. I called out, "He needs to come out now! Someone help me get him out!" Stephanie, smiling into my eyes, said, "It's OK, Rachael. He's just rotating into the perfect position and he's going to come out on the next contraction." I calmed down and waited for it.

It came, I pushed, and the rest of him slid out easily into my waiting hands. I brought him up to my chest and sat back against the other side of the pool. The time Joanne recorded is 9:41. 9:41, a mere nine minutes after I felt the bag of water, 13 minutes after I started pushing.
I was saying, "It's Delaney Jr!" We thought he looked just like her when he first came out, but after a couple days we no longer thought he looked like anyone. No two of our kids look alike.
I was full of wonder and gratitude as I held him and looked at him at long last. He started to cry right away. Joanne and Stephanie said he looked like a big baby. I would expect nothing less since I'd already had big babies and I'd carried this one for so much longer than the others. 

A few minutes later I pushed the placenta out, which was followed by a gush of blood that had them a little concerned. Then they helped me out of the pool and into bed, and gave me some shepherd's purse tincture for the bleeding. Stephanie squeezed it out of a dropper and told me to hold it under my tongue for as long as I could before swallowing. She warned me that it would taste horrible but it wasn't too bad.

As I lay there with Joey on my chest underneath a towel, he had a massive meconium poo all over my belly. Tim took a picture, but I will not be sharing it (you're welcome). Joanne and Stephanie sponged us off, but it wasn't long before he did it again! A huge amount both times. 
The next couple hours were a happy blur. I spent about an hour on the bed with Joey on my chest, and about the last 15 minutes of that I began to nurse him for the first time. Timmy got home from school and was brought in to see his baby brother. 
My little buddy -- a big brother!
It was time for Tim to bring Joey out to meet his grandma, but first the cord needed to be cut. When they offered Tim to do the honors he was like, "Sure, I guess. The most climactic part of this has already happened as far as I'm concerned." He really doesn't get the whole 'dad cuts the cord' thing. Still, he dutifully severed Joey's connection to the placenta. Unfortunately, I can't share the picture of that momentous occasion because my boob is in it, but I don't think Tim will be disappointed. I think he was much happier once the cord was cut because he got to do this:
Oh, this reminds me -- at some point Joanne suggested that Tim take off his shirt and do skin-to-skin with the baby. I said, "Yeah, maybe he'd like that." But when Tim heard he said, "No. I'm not taking off my shirt." Going into this he'd already told me he wouldn't be getting into the pool. He'd seen the picture of the husband and wife in the birth pool together in the instruction manual and cringed. He was not going to do anything "weird" like get in the pool or take off any of his clothes.

Then he put on Joey's first diaper. To this day that has been the extent of his involvement with this kid's diapers. He put a clean diaper on his clean butt and he was done. It's a good thing we have a picture.
I love this!
Meanwhile I went to take a shower because the bleeding had slowed and I felt strong enough. Joanne was fine with me taking a shower but she had real reservations about me washing my hair. She asked me how long it had been since I washed my hair, and I told her it was due for a washing today. She warned me that if I took too long to wash it I would pass out. I assured her I wouldn't take too long, and I would sit down if I needed to. I literally only spent a couple seconds at a time with my hands in my hair. She called out to me about every 10 seconds, "You OK?" "Yes!" I enjoyed my shower, but I didn't want to spend too much time in there since I was making her a nervous wreck.  

During this time the midwives also checked me for damage. I waited with bated breath to find out if I would be needing stitches again. I was so grateful when they told me that I had only the smallest of tears and it would not be needing a single stitch. Hooray! The fourth time was the charm.

Tim brought Joey back in for his weighing and newborn exam so that Kim could capture those moments too, before she had to take Carolyn and her parents to the airport. Yes, our birth photographer was also airport transportation that day.
8 pounds 8 ounces. My guess was closest, only an ounce more! Annie remains my biggest baby at 9 pounds even.
A little before noon, Kim and Carolyn came in to say goodbye. Carolyn seemed close to tears as she said, "Thank you." I said, "It wasn't my doing." Looking at Kim she said, "I think it was YOUR doing." Kim said, "It was His doing," pointing upward. Soon afterward they left. A half hour later Joanne and Stephanie left, and we were on our own. I had lunch in bed and just rested the next few hours. A few hours later I heard the pitter-patter of feet running down the hall as two little girls who'd just gotten home came to meet their new baby brother. What a day. Welcome to the world, Joseph Daniel. You came in your own good time and in the most perfect way.

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Joey's First Week

Yesterday marked one week with Joey. It has been the most wonderful week. Kind of tiring for me sometimes, yes, but just so happy. He is the sweetest baby, and we are all so smitten.
It was nice having him on Monday of a school week because then we had a quiet house for most of those first five days. It is way easier for me to rest in a quiet house, and those were the days I needed it most. Tim got to take a couple weeks off so it was just us lazing around and cuddling Joey for a good chunk of the day.
It's fun having a newborn around again. I'd forgotten all the cute little noises and faces they make. The kids are so amused by him. They have also discovered that kissing him is addicting, and they are constantly planting kisses on his cheeks and forehead. 
Afternoon nap with Mama
He does what is typical of a newborn: nurses a lot, poops a lot, sleeps a lot, and once in awhile opens his eyes and looks around like, 'Why am I here? How did this happen?' I tried swaddling him last night before laying him in the rock 'n play to sleep, and he gave me a three- and a four-hour stretch of sleep. Yay for Joey! 
I have to say this has been my easiest recovery of all my births. I've had to actually remind myself numerous times to just sit down and relax. I started feeling so normal almost immediately, that I wanted to sweep, vacuum and pick up. I had to tell myself no, you are not lifting a finger. Whatever needs to be done, Tim can do it or it can wait. Like Tim says about a dirty floor -- just don't look down. (It's impossible for me to not look down. I have swept just once or twice, but the rest of the time I sit on my butt and Tim does everything else.) I am so grateful that I sustained only the most minimal damage when Joey was born -- not even a stitch needed -- and within a day or two I honestly couldn't believe I'd just had a baby. That's a first. Overall, for whatever reason, I have felt a lot more like myself and not so depleted the way I did right after the other three were born. That said, we did have a few rough nights and I felt plenty depleted then. But so much better than when I was 40 weeks pregnant! 
I looked over at Timmy and suddenly realized he was huge.
Our neighbors have been bringing us dinner since the day he was born and that will last right up to Christmas. Whenever I express gratitude for that, I think it insults Tim a little since he's a great cook. He says, "Yeah, because you wouldn't eat otherwise?" But it's more to it than just the food and the pile of sweets growing on the counter that we'll never be able to finish. I feel so blessed to be part of this little community of women who take care of each other so well. Besides, not all husbands can cook, and even if they can, why not give them a little break from it too?
We were both so relieved to be done with the PKU (the dreaded heel-stick)
I managed to get our Christmas cards made and mailed. They should be arriving in mailboxes today. When he was two days old we sat all the kids down in front of the tree just hoping to get one halfway decent picture. They delivered. Out of about 20 we got exactly one.
And that's our first week as a family of six. Couldn't ask for better. 

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

He's Finally Here!

Joseph Daniel was born yesterday, December 14, at 9:41 a.m. I was 40 weeks and 5 days pregnant, my longest pregnancy by 8 long days. He weighed (after two massive poops) 8 pounds, 8 ounces, and measured 20 inches long. My labor with him was my strangest one ever, and I can't wait to tell the story whenever I get around to it. For now I am just resting as much as I can and enjoying this sweet, squishy boy.

Saturday, December 5, 2015

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Hi! I'm still here and I'm still pregnant. Right now I'm enjoying a peaceful and quiet couple hours to myself while Tim, his mom, and the kids are out shopping. On another day I might have been inclined to go myself -- Target is 40 minutes away and not something I take for granted -- but this morning what I wanted most was some alone time. Besides we've been to Target every weekend the last month, and I've seen everything they have. Tim was a little hesitant for them all to leave me, but I was like, "It'll be fine here, don't you worry about me."

As soon as they left, I made myself decent and went for a walk. We're back to nice cool temperatures again, and I enjoyed the fresh air. Once I got back I started a load of laundry and then sat down to look through my photos of the past couple weeks and start this post. I miss my blog, but it's so hard to make it a priority anymore. Once Tim and I started watching Breaking Bad, that cut into blogging time in a huge way. We are now a couple episodes into season 4 and as of two days ago we are now paying Netflix customers. I never thought I could enjoy a show about a guy who manufactures meth and gets himself and everyone he knows into all kinds of trouble, but each episode gives me so much to think about. Tim too. He recently updated his insurance policy, and I know that show had something to do with it. It sounds morbid, and it is, but it's also very interesting. It also reinforces the notion that our choices have consequences, not just for ourselves but for everyone around us. Even  -- no, especially -- the people we love, the people we never intended to hurt. Everything has a ripple effect. I have no stomach for shows that have a lot of violence just for its own sake. Like Sons of Anarchy. From what little I ever saw of that show, it just seemed to glorify violence. Breaking Bad has plenty of violence, but also shows the people who inflict it having to suffer. Once we're done with Breaking Bad, we'll see. Will we get ourselves hooked on another series, or will we be done with Netflix?

So, what have we been up to? Tim's parents got here a couple days before Thanksgiving, and then Tim Sr left the following Monday. Carolyn will be here until the 14th. Really hoping there's a baby by then. While they were both here we had a nice Thanksgiving dinner, and then the next day we put up the Christmas tree and all the Christmas decorations. Tim and I also went out to dinner and shopping by ourselves that Saturday night, and it was fun. A delicious dinner at our favorite sushi restaurant and then the outlets by ourselves .. doesn't get any better than that. My back and my feet were KILLING me by the time we got back in the car to head home, but it had been a nice escape. Productive too.
Delaney and Grandma have since graduated to a 500-piece puzzle that has been on that desk for days. I've even taken a turn at it a couple different times, and nearly set my eyeballs on fire in the effort. Couldn't we have had a more gradual progression, maybe with a 100-piece puzzle first?
Tim Sr took this photo of us right before we left for dinner. I look like such a Duggar.
Another thing that happened while they were both here is that three lucky children found out they were the winners of a Disney cruise with Grandma and Grandpa in February! These kids don't even know how good they have it. I am so happy for them. They are going to have a blast. Tim's sister Kathy and her family will go too, so it will be good that they have a little help and aren't completely on their own with our kids.

A little pregnancy update:

Today I am 39 weeks and 3 days pregnant. If I am still pregnant after tomorrow, this will be my longest pregnancy. I had Annie at 39 weeks 4 days. This is already my second-longest. I feel like I will be pregnant forever. I remember back when I was still hoping to get pregnant, and I had a recurring dream in which I was 9 months pregnant, due anytime, but labor never started. After awhile I realized it had all been a dream, and I had never been pregnant. A dream within a dream. That's exactly how I feel, like this has all been a dream and I'm going to wake up anytime. To have an actual baby come out of me? I can't even imagine it. Everyone around me seems convinced it will happen any minute. So surreal. I am due Wednesday. Part of me knows this to be true, but part of me is in disbelief.

Tim and I went to see the midwife in Charleston yesterday. For the last time. Meaning that whether or not I've had the baby by Friday the 11th, we are not doing that drive again. It is just too long to be in the car. She'll have to understand. I had to stop for the bathroom on the way there, and there is nowhere to stop until you get to Charleston. On the way back, as we were driving down the long stretch of absolutely nothing that exists between here and Charleston, I REALLY needed to go even though I had already gone before I left her house. Tim set the cruise control to 67 while the speed limit was 60. He did not notice when the speed limit changed to 50 until the police car he passed turned around to follow us. I ended up needing to wait even longer for the bathroom while we were pulled over, AND then he got an $80 ticket. My big belly did not help our cause. This trip already cost us half a tank of gas, and now $80 on top of it! As well as a flaw on Tim's formerly perfect driving record. Nope, I am not leaving this zipcode again until after I've had a baby. I told him on the way home, "I can't have you driving the speed limit and making this trip even longer." Of course, it was one thing when he thought he was going just 7 miles over the speed limit -- he's not in the habit of going 17 miles over. That was completely an accident. But oh well. No more driving to Charleston for us.
Tim apparently snapped this picture of me at Joanne's. I must have been contracting for my belly to be making that weird shape.
The midwife visit itself was pleasant enough. Joanne (the midwife) and Stephanie (the apprentice) are both convinced that the baby will come very soon. Stephanie, while examining my belly, saw that the baby's head was very low, but wouldn't go so far as to say "engaged" because that's something that usually only happens for first-time moms before labor. For moms of second babies or more, the head doesn't typically engage until the baby is coming. Last week they checked my cervix at my request (cervical checks are not routine for them as they are for most obstetricians and nurse-midwives in hospital settings. This hands-off approach is a big part of why I go to them and not the OBs right down the street from me.). But I wanted one because I was curious as to where I was starting out. They appeared thunderstruck at me actually wanting a cervical check, but were happy for the educational opportunity. They each checked me and discussed their conclusion together. I was 1.5 cm dilated and 50% effaced. I felt satisfied that some change had taken place. I will not ask to be checked again at least until I think I'm in labor, and then I'll have a basis for comparison. Joanne's opinion just from looking at me yesterday was that last week I was not ready at all, but this week I am. I think my complaints of pelvic pain and particularly pubic bone pain probably enforced that. Ligaments are loosening so bones can separate and baby can make his way out. It's really amazing the way nature works. There's so much more to a body than meets the eye.

Here's a picture of me from last week:
And yesterday:
I took the second picture either right before or right after we went to the Christmas tree lighting ceremony at the naval hospital. Later on I saw a picture Tim had taken of the kids with me in the background, my belly sticking out like a giant boob. I'm a little embarrassed knowing that I went around and ran into so many people I knew, so exposed. It's just so big and round and ripe, and that bellybutton in 3D, it's almost indecent. I can almost understand why maternity tops in the past were just tents. I kind of wish I could hide it all under a tent sometimes.

I was a little nervous about whether the kids would get to go to this event, since I'd already told them about it. I spent a few days hoping I would either have the baby before or after, so that Tim and Carolyn could at least take them. There aren't that many things to do around here, even at Christmastime, so it's a big deal when there's something taking place right down the road that advertises bounce houses, a petting zoo, hot chocolate, cookies, and Santa, all for free. But we all made it and the kids had a good time.
The bouncey was a free-for-all for the first hour or so we were there, until someone thought, 'Uh-oh -- SAFETY!' And then two Navy guys were stationed there to limit the number of kids on it and make sure nobody perched on the edge the way the girls are doing here. What was the big deal? We were at a hospital already.
These kids seem to have no awareness or concern about a baby coming. Timmy has had a lot of emotional outbursts that Carolyn and my neighbor think is a sign he knows what's coming and that it means change for him. I don't know.. four-year-olds cry a lot for no reason too. I have to admit, my mind is kind of blown when I think of my baby being a big brother. I'm still the one getting him dressed in the morning and at night, putting him down for his naps and tucking him in at night. The two of us have been cracking up together at Mo Willems books (the Pigeon books -- hilarious!) and then we have a silly ritual that when I described it to Tim, he said, "That doesn't sound creepy at all." It consists of me telling Timmy in mock seriousness, "Close your eyes .. close your mouth .. Shhhh!!.. Time to go to sleep!.. Stay down!" as his giggles rise to a crescendo. He's been the baby the longest, and I have loved every moment. I don't want anything to change between us.

This is a really happy time for our family, getting ready for a new baby and then Christmas. It is joyful, hopeful, suspenseful and a little bit maddening right now, at least for me. I have to keep reminding myself to try to make the most of these last days of us the way we are, because everything will change soon enough. I started out this year trying to cope with the very real possibility there would be no more kiddos for us, and now I'm looking at any day getting to hold the newest one in my arms. I get impatient, especially when I'm feeling exhausted and my back is aching, to just get this over with. At the same time, this is a very easy time for me with Tim and his mom here, and I've been able to take a lot of breaks. Especially today! That's a real luxury. Not to mention sleep, I get a lot of sleep, and we all know that newborns are adorable, cuddly little sleep thieves. Just writing that makes me think -- eek -- I'm not ready. But I am, I think. Soon..

Thursday, November 12, 2015

36 weeks

Four weeks to go -- if that. If this little guy wants to be like his siblings, he'll be here in about three weeks. But maybe he wants to be different, and this is going to be the first time I see 40 weeks of pregnancy. It's been known to happen. I really, really hope that doesn't happen because I am now down to weekly visits with my midwife, and it is a lot to be driving 75 miles each way to Charleston.

Physically, I am still doing well, no real complaints -- just usual third trimester stuff like the need to pee every 20 minutes, and not eating as well as I was before. I'll get really hungry, and then only be able to take a few bites of a meal. It's just too much work to try to get things into my stomach. But I'm still gaining. I was 140 at my last weigh-in, so a total of 32 pounds gained so far. I snack a lot on fruit, cheese, almonds, and my "superpower muffins." When I'm on the couch at night watching Breaking Bad (Tim's and my new addiction), I crave Wheat Thins. Apologies to Tim for making the bag rattle while we're trying to hear the show. I am always too hot, and I still have not had much use for the sweaters I thought I'd be wearing at the end of my pregnancy. My Liz Lange maternity tank tops from Target are my go-to, and I am continually messing with the thermostat and turning on fans to try to stay cool. Sleep is still good, and luckily I only need to get up once at most to use the bathroom. I have NO problems falling asleep and staying asleep, and I am enjoying it while I can. I take a nap almost every afternoon too, for anywhere from a half hour to an hour.

I'm still doing my prenatal yoga, and taking walks when it's cool enough and the bugs aren't biting too much. I started seeing a Webster Technique-certified chiropractor about a month ago, and I really like her. I continue to see her even though the baby has been consistently head-down for the last few weeks, and it looks like he's going to stay that way. She found some imbalances in my spine on the first visit, and I have to admit I don't really understand this stuff but I do believe that I give myself the best chance of an easy labor by making sure that my bones are all lined up properly. I always feel so much better when I leave her office too. I was surprised when she adjusted my neck at the first visit too. I hadn't known my neck needed any adjustment, but I was sitting there and she twisted my head first one way -- "crack!" and then the other -- "crack-crack!" I let out a "Whew!" that probably everyone heard. It is the strangest feeling to be first scared to death that your neck is about to be broken, and then relieved and happy because now it feels so much better.

I am slowly but surely getting it together around here like I knew I would eventually.

Our room is looking like a place a baby is going to be born. I've got the pack 'n play set up. I know, it's a pack 'n play and can be set up in about a minute, but we don't have a crib and I really wanted the baby's bed set up. I'm happy to say that the Graco Pack 'n Play has not changed in eight years. But I do like the colors of the new one better -- brown and sage green, and no funky plaid. I've got the glider and ottoman in the corner, and I was very pleased that the upholstery detached and washed up nicely in the machine. I'd been ready to replace the upholstery altogether, but Tim's cooler head prevailed and he suggested just washing it first to see what that would do. I love that chair. I've spent so many hours nursing my babies in that chair, and in a matter of weeks I'm going to be sitting there nursing another! It doesn't seem real. I've gotten almost all the rest of the baby gear that I need, either gently used or on sale at Amazon. I just ordered a changing table. I can't wait to organize all his little clothes, diapers, wipes and whatever else in it. Ah, that will be fun.

My midwife Joanne and her assistant Stephanie came last week for a home visit, and left the birth pool. Tim has already set it up once, and after obtaining the one part that was missing at our appointment yesterday, that's good to go. I've got a basket of supplies that I've put together, some from Joanne's list and some just things I know I want to have. The birth kit arrived the other day, and it's got things like enormous pads, gloves, and other assorted medical type stuff. I just made my "laborade" popsicles today. I remember how much I liked having them when I was in labor with Timmy. The recipe is simple: water, honey, lemon juice, salt, and crushed calcium-magnesium tablets.

My next appointment with Joanne is next Friday, and she has another client who lives in my area who also has an appointment that morning. She and Joanne suggested we carpool, and I wasn't initially keen on the idea. I've kind of gotten in the groove of those long drives by myself, and I like to sing along with the "random" music radio station (random with heavy emphasis on the '80s) and just enjoy my solitude. Who wants to be making conversation for a three-hour roundtrip car ride with someone they've never met? Not this introvert. But then I shrugged and told them if she's interested they can pass on my information to her and she can give me a call. I'll swing by and pick her up, but she'd better be ready bright and early. I have to admit I'm curious about the other person who lives in Beaufort, SC who's giving birth at home. I never meet anyone else like me around here. I know they're out there, but they're like unicorns. There is no LLL here, and no natural parenting community here where I might run into another homebirther. I amused myself for a little while as we all drove home yesterday, imagining what Joanne's other Beaufort homebirth client would be like. "I'm going to drive to the end of a dirt road, and there's going to be a chicken coop, and a bunch of kids and dogs running around.. And she's going to come running out in a long skirt and Birkenstocks, and when she gets in the car she's going to smell like sweat and patchouli and I'm going to have to drive with the windows down.." Tim smirked at me. Then with a cackle I said, "She'll probably be expecting me to show up in a Volkswagen bus! With a dreamcatcher hanging from the rearview mirror!" I do crack myself up.

My wonderful neighbors are throwing me a baby shower, and that's this Sunday. This baby boy and I are really lucky! I will be taking my girls with me. Tim, to his everlasting relief, is not invited. We are old school here, and don't believe men have any business at a baby shower.

As the time for baby number 4's arrival gets closer, you know who I'm excited for (besides myself)? Tim. He was on a ship from the time I was five months pregnant with Timmy to when he was six months old. It blows my mind still to think of how much he missed out on. We made the best of it and I sent him tons of pictures and videos. I remember him telling me that the girls when they were babies had had no use for him until they were six months old anyway. But he did get to snuggle lots with them when they were newborns, before they had realized they had no use for him. So the last newborn he snuggled was Annie. And the last time he saw a belly this full of baby was Annie. The last time he was there for a birth was Annie's. I'm just so grateful that he will be there every step of the way this time around.

Sunday, November 1, 2015

Halloween Week Photo Dump

The week leading up to and including Halloween was a busy one, with events at school and a party on Friday. I took a lot of photos so I thought I'd make a blog post out of it.

On Wednesday the 28th Timmy's class had a "Harvest Party," so I came and helped out a little, but mostly just enjoyed watching Timmy in his element. When I first walked in the door at 8:30, this is what I found him doing, so absorbed that he didn't even notice I was there for at least a couple minutes.
We spent the first hour or so with the kids just rotating to different stations the way they do on any given day, with an activity at each one that lasts maybe five to ten minutes. One station was the snack station, another one was a applesauce-making and eating station, and my station was the one where kids had to measure the circumference of a pumpkin. It was not very interesting, but they all got a prize for trying. Timmy hardly paid me any attention, just went from one station to the next as usual. Then everybody had to clean up and put things away, and there was a story time. Lastly, they played a few songs and videos, and the kids sang and danced along on the carpet before it was time to go home. So it was just a Halloween spin on what is just a typical day of Pre-K. Other than the one snack that each kid got to have, which I think was a frosted Halloween cookie, there weren't any sweets being given out and that made me glad. At this school and at Delaney's, sweets are restricted, and healthy eating is encouraged at least in theory (e.g., no one is allowed to bring in birthday treats). That makes me happy because goodness knows they get enough treats at Halloween without the teachers, bus drivers and other parents at school handing them out left and right. Timmy was very happy with the little goody bag he got to take home. It was filled mostly with dollar store crap that will be in the trash soon, and maybe just a handful of candy.
Timmy was allowed to call on a couple classmates to ask him questions about what he'd made. This made him a little bashful.
Thursday was a day off school for Timmy and a half-day for the girls, and nobody had school on Friday. This was for parent-teacher conferences beginning Thursday afternoon and going all day Friday. I think it's nice that the teachers don't have to squeeze in the conferences after hours. On Thursday morning Timmy and I went to Annie's class for a "Celebration of Learning" in the classroom, and a "Readers are Leaders" awards ceremony for all the first grade classes. Delaney was jealous that she didn't get to do something like that with us, and I told her to just be glad her class didn't have something scheduled for the same day. I can't be in two places at once. Then, we've never been invited to attend anything with Delaney's class, so I need to make a point of at least coming and eating lunch with her sometime. Probably in the next few weeks would be best..

We had a really nice time in Annie's classroom. We spent about a half hour playing math games, and Annie helped Timmy solve problems with candy corns and pumpkin seeds. She was very sweet with him and seemed very much at home in the classroom. I couldn't be more pleased with what a great school year she's having so far. Once again, she won the lottery for good teachers, and has one that is youthful, enthusiastic, and never raises her voice above normal conversational tone to get and keep the kids' attention. I know she probably made sure to be really on her game with all the parents hanging around, but I get the feeling that her classroom is typically a very orderly place with the kids all just doing what's expected.

The "Readers are Leaders" ceremony was kind of meh as far as I was concerned. What it is is the kids in the primary grades have a log for filling out every time they read a book alone or you read with them. I only received one log for each of them, filled it out in a matter of days and sent it in. I never saw another. I guess I was supposed to ask for more. So Annie received an award for 'meeting the goal', when we all know she reads constantly. Whatever. I think the whole thing is kind of silly anyway, but easy for me to say as the mom of kids who've needed no encouragement to read books.
Tim and I have talked about what a difference there is between Annie this year and last year. Last year she had a wonderful kindergarten teacher, and we feel we couldn't have asked for a better experience. But Annie would puzzle us by behaving so perfectly at school and then being a bear at home. She really drove me crazy some days, and I didn't know whether she was having some kind of crisis or just being a turd for its own sake. I was really holding my breath at the beginning of this school year because I had them switching schools again, and I didn't know how that transition would go for Annie. I am so glad to say that this year she has been much less moody, and more happy and helpful at home. I don't know why .. maybe it just took time to adjust to the new reality of full time school? Whatever the reason, I am grateful.
On Friday afternoon the kids donned their costumes for the Halloween party down the street. A great time was had by all. The neighbor who hosted is like a big kid, and she went all out with planning games and crafts for the kids, as well as having tons of yummy food. 

Before we left I had the kids pose for the customary 'costumes on the porch' picture. I promised them that if I got a good picture that night I would not make them pose for any pictures the next night before trick-or-treating. I'd say they delivered on their end of the bargain.
Delaney knocked the pinata down.
Annie bobs for apples while her brother tries to turn them stem up for her.
Bobbing for apples .. it's one of those traditional Halloween games that I think should just go away. It is pretty gross. Tim tried to volunteer me to go first, and I said to him (under my breath), "No way. I'll just tell them I have herpes." Not that I needed to worry, only the kids were invited to participate. And with the host dad being a doctor, an attempt was made to keep it somewhat germ-safe for the kids. The kids who had a cough were given their own bowl with their own apples to bob for. Everybody else just dunked their faces in the communal bowl. Well, one kid slipped through the cracks. He came up out of the bowl, stem of an apple held triumphantly between his teeth, and a rope of snot at least four inches long hanging from his nose. Everyone in the room went, "Oooohhhhhhh.." Then raucous laughter and shouts of "Game over!"

There was also a costume fashion show, a craft, 'pin the hat on the witch' and copious sweets. Toward the end of the night as the kids were starting to crash from the sugar and lay glassy-eyed in front of the TV, someone said to our hosts, "This was a five-year-old frat party!" Well done, neighbors, well done.
After that, most of the grownups on our street were feeling like they'd already had enough Halloween, but the next night was round 2 with trick-or-treating.

I made good on my promise to not make the kids pose for more pictures, but after I dashed back inside to get my sunglasses (trick-or-treating started at 5), Tim got a few more of them on the porch which were a nice surprise for me later. I promised not to take any more, but no one said anything about dad. It doesn't look like they minded.
As Delaney and 'other Delaney' strolled along, ours was saying, "One Delaney lives in a palace, and the other lives on a farm!"
When Timmy tripped and spilled his bucket of candy, these good boys stopped to help him.
When we got back home, three very excited kids sorted their loot.
Trick-or-treating was from 5 to 7, but it only took us a little over an hour to go down every street in our neighborhood and fill up their pumpkins with candy. Perfect. By then we were starving, and we headed home and Tim made a pizza, and the kids got to have a treat before getting ready for bed.