An Open Letter of Apology to My Children

Dear Delaney, Annie, Timmy, and (to a lesser extent) Joey,

I owe the four of you an apology -- one that I could probably get away with never saying, but I'll say it nonetheless. 

Several weeks ago, while I was in Cincinnati staying at your grandparents' house, I happened to be chatting next to the pool with your aunts Anna and Grace. Grace was talking about how hard it is to get things done around the house with little kids around (you remember hers are five and two). Anna said to her, "When they get older they'll help you out more." I said, "Mine are older and they're not much help." 

I think you'd all beg to differ, but don't worry, I'll be setting the record straight. I think that if you were ever not much help to me, the fault was never yours. I simply wasn't requiring enough of you, and the blame for that rests squarely on my shoulders. I thought I was doing my job but I was actually neglecting a huge part of it.

You see, I am the proud keeper of a housework schedule, which allows me (as long as I stay on top of it) to keep a 3000-square-foot house reasonably neat and clean at all times. As a stay-at-home mom, making this house a livable home is my responsibility, and it's important for my sanity that there is cleanliness and order. Not only that, I enjoy the laundry and the cleaning, and the feeling of accomplishment that I have when it's done. I really didn't think anyone could scrub a toilet the way I could. I didn't think anyone could push a mop the way I could. But then I would get frustrated at the four of you for messing it up. Worse yet, when the pandemic grounded us all, I resented that you never went anywhere so I could get this house in order! It shames me to admit that. 

I stayed stubbornly set in my ways for weeks, while waiting with bated breath for things to return to "normal." Anytime now, anytime now, I'd say to myself through gritted teeth as my face turned blue. It has since become clear that whatever normal is, we are still a long way away from it. After receiving the news that the public schools have decided to go remote for at least the first nine weeks of the year (but we know it will end up being longer), your daddy and I experienced a few days of turmoil. We had blithely ignored this possibility all summer long, but now here it was, reality knocking at our door. In the end we pivoted to a new course of action: Timmy is attending Catholic school, and the girls will be homeschooled by me for the year. Only Joey will be doing what was originally planned for him -- Pre-K at his same school, three mornings a week. Some of us will be spending even more time at home together. In light of the changes I've implemented this summer, I can look at this prospect with a newfound feeling of gratitude. There were things about my approach to parenting and homemaking that needed addressing, but that might never have happened as long as you stayed in full-time school. 

While you had been doing some chores for years, and have always been responsible for your own rooms, your father said it wasn't enough, and he urged me to get you all doing more. I don't know why I hesitated -- a misplaced feeling of guilt? A lack of faith in you guys' ability? Fear of push-back? The mistaken notion that it's easier just to do it all myself? Maybe all of those things. Whatever the case, I finally came around and started assigning you more work. It turns out he's right about yet another thing.😜 I am finding that not only am I feeling less burdened now that I am divvying up the work among those of you big enough to do it, I am appreciating having you around a lot more. Not only that, since you now have a hand in the vacuuming, mopping, dusting, etc., this makes you stakeholders in our home, as you should have been all along. This is your home too, and I want each of you to take pride in it. Your help with the yard has also been much appreciated by Daddy. And even though Joey can't do much yet, he's learning a lot from your example.

It's far from perfect here; there are days that you've vacuumed, dusted and Bona mopped the living room, but have forgotten to make your own beds. One or two of you may have completed your chores one day, but failed to brush your teeth -- you know who you are. There have been squabbles over who gets to do what, even with it being a list of items to pick and initial, first-come-first-serve. There are still times that decide it's easier to do something myself, knowing full well I ought to delegate it to one of you. We all struggle with the inertia of not having many places to go for many months, and our attitudes have suffered. We're working on it. We'll get there.

With school starting up again under our our very own "Plan D," I'm going to continue to depend on your help around here. It may look a little different than it does in the summertime, but I don't ever want to go back to seeing you all as little house-wreckers. That was very unfair to you. We will all be a little busier as we get into the school year, but I hope we all remember that it doesn't take long to accomplish a lot when we're focused, and that many hands make light work.

Love always,

Mama

Change of Command and Retirement

It was a little low key, circumstances being what they are, but it was a momentous day for us nonetheless. Thanks again to Megan at A Beautiful Moment Photography for capturing this event.

"They" say you want to have the band at the beginning of your command, and at the end. Tim got both; it was a successful command tour. Did anyone doubt it would be? Apparently Tim did. When I asked him a while back why he had no photos or mementos on his desk or anywhere else in his office at the battalion, he told me he didn't want to have to pack a box if he got fired.🙄

Masks and six feet? Not at this ceremony. "Sweet Caroline" could have been the theme song for this event.🤣

I almost didn't include this picture. Too sappy of me. But I remember how, as he was summing up his feelings about his career and all the people who'd made a difference to him, I thought how how the Marines were what brought us together. And it's been a roller coaster, but it's been a good life all in all, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Is this coffee table in our office yet in its appointed spot? No it is not, and for some reason that bothers me a lot more than it does him.

After such a fitting conclusion to 26 years in the Marine Corps, the plan was to enjoy a well deserved summer off, but of course he couldn't just do that. "I still need to find a job!" he'd remind me at least once a day. I'd be like, "Ohmygosh, can you just relax? You're still active duty through September!" A friend drew his attention to a position that would suit him perfectly -- director of the Navy Marine Corps Relief Society on Cherry Point. The start date would be in 30 days, which would allow him to actually enjoy 30 days of summer, so he applied. He was offered the job, which he accepted happily, and then they said, "Yeah, we need you to start next week." So much for summer. Tim heads out the door at the usual time every morning, his gym duffel containing business casual instead of cammies. He never did relax because he spent the couple of weeks between Topsail and his new job working feverishly to complete projects in the house and yard. In case you were wondering how he was liking retirement...😜 

But I am happy for him because now he gets to help Marines and sailors with budgeting and finance, something that he has a real passion for. He wasn't hankering after the government civilian jobs that most retirees around here get. He also wasn't looking to have to commute to a bigger city for the higher paying jobs that some of his peers were pursuing. This job is exactly what he needs: he gets to keep the same daily routine, work out in the same gym, and while the job doesn't pay a huge amount, it is adequate for us. Things could have hardly worked out any better.

Just for fun, here are a few pics from his early days in the Corps. These by no means comprise all the highlights of his career, but they were the best I could come up with, digging through our archives.

Boot camp, Parris Island, 1994

Commissioning in 2000

Promoting his best friend Derek to sergeant, 2001. Tim once told me that the man you can see standing behind Tim gave him a talking to once the promotion was over. Tim had used the heel of his fist to playfully "pound" the new insignia into Derek's collar, which the senior enlisted Marine disapproved of, no matter that he hadn't come anywhere close to drawing blood. 

Iraq, 2003

Pinning on my 1stLt bars in Iraq, along with our friend Andrea, 2005. Yep, he did the same thing to my insignia as Derek's. I'm pretty sure he only did that to his favorites.😉

Our wedding in Grafton, Massachusetts, 2007

Our pictures in the homecoming exhibit at the National Museum of the Marine Corps, Quantico, Virginia. These photos were taken in 2012 when Tim got back from the MEU and met six-month-old Timmy for the first time.

Topsail, the 2020 version

Back when this Covid thing started brewing, and one thing after another got canceled or closed down, I couldn't help but think to myself that if we managed to get to Topsail in June, I wouldn't care what kind of weather it was, I would be so grateful. Just to see all these faces again, it wouldn't matter if it rained all week. If it had been possible I might have bargained with somebody to make that deal, because it just felt like the world was ending.

But the thing is, human nature being what it is, when it's cold and gray and windy and rainy at the beach, and that happens day after day...it still sucks. Nobody comes to the beach to shiver in their sweats. We kept saying, "Dang 2020." I tried to maintain perspective, I really did, but I told Tim on Tuesday, "I'm struggling. I'm just craving the sun so much." It would come out of the clouds sometimes just long enough to make you thirsty for more.

I think the above picture was taken Saturday night, and that was the last time we saw blue sky until Wednesday. I think. Or maybe Tuesday night. Grace painted our nails (she always brings her collection of nail polish); the kids went to Shark Attack a few times times thanks to the adults willing to take them; a couple carloads of us took a field trip to New Bern to see our new digs; and we drank and joked and reminisced our way through the evenings.

The first time I could put on a bathing suit I flew down that wooden walkway so fast I risked a sprained ankle. It was partial sun, but I was like "I'll take it!"

I can't seem to stop myself from sharing a gazillion pictures; when I see them on the bigger screen instead of on my phone, I notice details I couldn't see before, and more to love about them. I think my eyes are starting to go. I turn 41 in a few days!

As much as I don't want to see angry clouds, they make for some good photos!

Nighttime was great for crab-hunting. The kids were all so excited to go. One night Scotty and his kids, along with Timmy, got to see a loggerhead sea turtle on her way back into the ocean after laying eggs under somebody's house. That's not something you see every day. It had a corn snake following it, which they couldn't resist catching and handling (yuck!). Scotty told us Timmy was not afraid of it whatsoever. They think the corn snake wanted an easy meal of turtle eggs, but it's like the scent of the turtle fooled him into following her away from all the eggs.

One morning the kids pulled out clumps of seaweed containing colonies of the tiniest hermit crabs we'd ever laid eyes on. They were so stinking cute! 

Mom and Dad and Grace and her family shared the unit right behind the blue umbrella; Tim and I were in the same duplex on the other side.

It's Grace's 30th birthday today. Happy birthday, Grace!

Joey was my little beach buddy. We had so much fun together.

We took our pictures on Thursday night instead of Friday, which is the last night. That was a good call. I think it's a lot easier to smile when you know you have one more day. For most of us, anyway.😜

Delaney's only three inches shorter than me now. Think she'll be as tall as me next year?

In case I get rusty and forget one day, I'll caption this with names and kids' ages left to right: Annie (11), Tim, Timmy (8), me, Delaney (12), Joe (4), Jaden (12), Scotty III (10), Faith, Scotty Jr, Roman (14), Aspen (14), Grace, Elise (4), Joey, Taj (2), Lotus (12), Mom, Damien (7), and Dad. We were missing Anna and Sophie and their families.

1000 sparklers in 5 minutes, to celebrate Roman and Little Scotty's birthdays

When we saw this on Friday afternoon, we figured our sun was done, but after some wind and a few sprinkles, it moved on. Phew.

My mom commented at one point during the week that kids might forget what they got for birthday or Christmas, but they never forget their family vacations. I know that's been true in my own life, and I think that it's true when it comes to experiences, period. That's where you get lasting memories. It's easier to foster these experiences when everybody clears their calendar and gathers in one place, and that's what makes them so memorable. But experiences can also just be the small things you barely notice at the time they're happening. Tim took a lot of trips with his family growing up, but he still talks about the time he and his dad drove all over to look at and test-drive used Mustangs. To be given the gift of someone's time, to know that just being with you is good enough for them -- that's what gives us our sense of self-worth and builds us up strong and sturdy so that some day we can turn to the task of building up another person. I heard the song "Simple Man" by Lynyrd Skynyrd while sitting on the sand one day, and the lyrics encapsulate so much of what I want for my kids.

Oh take your time/ don't live too fast/ troubles will come and they will pass/ You'll find a woman and you'll find love / and don't forget, son, there is someone up above

And be a simple kind of man / Oh, be something you love and understand/ Baby be a simple kind of man/ Oh, won't you do this for me, son, if you can

On that note I want to wish a happy Father's Day to my wonderful husband, father, father-in-law, brother, brothers-in-law, all dads, and all good men serving in a fatherly role. Your hard work, love, and example are all so needed and appreciated, today and every day.